Rhode Island to Become Part of Connecticut

Governor Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island, known for a plodding, deliberate manner, today dropped a bombshell, even if it was one that has been, unofficially, already widely known: Rhode Island will become part of Connecticut, effective January 1, 2014.

The rumors had swirled for months. The nation's smallest state, dogged by departing industry, statewide fraud schemes, a high unemployment rate, and small population, just hasn't been able to cope with the recession, and there appeared to be no hope of a turnaround.

Many outside of New England have wondered for years about a state that was smaller than many counties in other states, in both population and area. What was it doing remaining a state? Would it petition the UN to become a separate country? Would it attempt to repeal the law of gravity? It just--well--didn't seem like a state.

Governor Chafee dismissed the importance that the state's disappearance would leave the US with only forty-nine states. "Hell, we have a football team called the 49ers," he said weakly. "Have you ever heard of one called the 50ers?"

Pressed for the root cause of Rhode Island's dilemma, Chafee said, "Well, everyone has known this for decades, but we have all been in serious denial. The area of the state worked fine back in colonial days, when the country itself was not nearly as large. But that won't fly today--we're just too Goddam small."