Don's Blog: November 2012

Clay Shaw/Man of a Million Fragments: The True Story of Clay Shaw/Dueling Voices/I Lost It at the Beginning/101 Reasons Not To Murder The Entire Saudi Royal Family/He Knew Where He Was Going (?)

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Male Gynecologosts and Female Patients

When  a male gynecologist sees a female patient today, it is necessary to have a female staffer in the room. At one time, it was not considered necessary to do that. What happened to cause the change?


Friday, November 16, 2012

Obama, Romney Jointly File Lawsuit, Protesting Head Injuries Suffered in Debates

In an extraordinary joint press conference, President Obama and former Republican contender Mitt Romney announced that they were suing the Federal Elections Commission for injuries, mostly head injuries, suffered during televised debates.

"After all this partisan bickering, it is nice to be in the same corner with Governor Romney," the President said to a packed room of reporters. "I told him we had better get on this thing earlier rather than later, and he agreed...I am only now starting to feel the effects of the long series of debates I participated in in 2007 and 2008, and Secretary Clinton has told me the same thing. Blackouts without warning, memory lapses, slurred words. You guys have been nice enough not to mention it, but if you look for it, it is there. I've noticed it...I would hate to think what you guys would have done with poor Dan Quayle on something like this...You would have eaten him alive, when actually it is not his fault.

"I noticed Governor Romney being a little slower than I expected during our debates. That was probably the effect he was feeling from the 2007 debates. After the long series he had this year, he is gonna be in desperate shape in just a few years."

Asked what the two were seeking in the way of damages, the President responded, "I don't have an amount in my mind yet, but somebody owes us some money. We'll have serious medical bills, and that may be more than the health system can provide."

Questioned about the role of the FEC in their injuries, Romney said, "They should have warned us. Politics is one of our most important spectator sports, and the debates are the highlights of this sport. We provide entertainment for millions of Americans. We've given our part; now we want compensation for our injuries."

The two men mentioned other issues, such as the damage to their eyes from television lights, and to their ears from studio applause, and the varicose veins that developed from standing during the numerous debates.

A reporter asked whether Hilary Clinton would be joining in on the lawsuit, but before either man could answer, both men simultaneously fainted.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Tom Cruise Announces For President in 2016, Aims To Be First Scientologist Elected To Top Office

A panel of Japanese scientists reported today that giant earthworms formed in the soil under Nagasaki, descendants of those affected by the atomic bomb dropped there at the end of World War II, could laugh about what their ancestors had gone through. Under a microscope, one could detect a slight quivering that appeared to be laughter when scientists told jokes about the bombing.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, standing before a giant poster of L. Ron Hubbard, and another beside it of James Madison, actor Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 race. Cruise said that he had been thinking about it for some time, but that seeing Mitt Romney and Barack Obama as the two top contenders made him think he could achieve a victory.

"I realize there is always a question in peoples' minds about the Church of Scientology," he said before a large crowd of reporters evenly balanced between those who cover the entertainment field and those who cover politics. "But Romney was a Mormon, and the President was accused of being a Muslim, and many people actually believed he was. Scientology may be weird to some, but believe me, it can't be any weirder than those two. We simply are not that different."

Asked if he had a campaign slogan yet, Cruise responded instantly, "How about 'An e-meter in every garage?'"

Quickly turning serious, he said that campaigns should be shortened, and that he didn't look forward to long days on the road, but that it was important to push the envelope on what Americans can and should tolerate. He declined to name the party whose nomination he would seek.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Benjamin Netanyahu, Despondent and Desparate Over Obama's Re-Election, Launches Himself On Solitary Missile Strike Against Iran

In the world of science today, a group of biologists studying an advanced colony of ants in the dense jungle at the edge of the Australian desert announced that the ants seemed to have engaged in a "lively, nuanced, lengthy, and intelligent debate" over the U.S. Presidential election over the four-month period leading up to November 6. "I guess we'll eventually have to define those terms," one of the scientists acknowledged, "if we're going to convince the public of this, and get them on board as to its importance." The group reported that a larger group of less sentient ants was kept in the dark about both the pre-election discussion and the results of the election itself.

Meanwhile, in Israel overnight, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu launched himself on a solo missile strike against Iran. Netanyahu, who was still in orbit as this story was being written, held a short press conference shortly before he took off, where he commented that, "Obama is never going to do this thing, so I have to just do it myself. That doesn't worry me; I can do that." Asked if the President's reluctance to draw a "red line" was the only reason for his action, Netanyahu candidly admitted that "I've always liked Dr. Strangelove, and for years I've always wanted to 'do a Slim Pickens.' I finally decided that the only way to do it was just to do it and get it out of my system. To combine it with bombing Iran--well, it is always better when you can kill two birds with one missle."

Then he took off, soaring high over the clear desert sky before disappearing. Officials in Iran, surprisingly, had no comment.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Alec Baldwin and Stephen Baldwin Buy House Together, One That Straddles U.S./Canada Border, on Eve of U.S. Presidential Election

In the world of politics today, actors Alec Baldwin and his younger brother Stephen Baldwin, purchased a large home straddling the border between the United States and Canada. The U.S. portion is in northern Minnesota. Both Baldwin brothers had declared, separately, that he would leave the United States and live elsewhere if his Presidential candidate lost.

However, Alec Baldwin is a liberal, and Stephen Baldwin is a conservative, which means that each supports his own candidate. Alec supports President Obama's re-election, and Stephen supports Mitt Romney.

"It's just too Goddamn expensive to buy another house by myself if my candidate loses," Alec said in his typical forthright manner of speaking. "Stephen has been even more battered by the lengthy recession than I have. Plus, neither one of us really wanted to be that far away from the Good Ole USA. I mean, we're not stupid.

"It's real simple. Whoever wants to move out of the U.S. will live on the Canadian side, and whoever's candidate wins will live on the U.S. side. That way, we've got it covered both ways. And it's just a hell of a lot cheaper."

Contacted for comment, Stephen Baldwin declined to speak about the matter, except to say, "Whatever Alec does, I do the opposite. I mean, that's how we make our living."