Tom Cruise Announces For President in 2016, Aims To Be First Scientologist Elected To Top Office

A panel of Japanese scientists reported today that giant earthworms formed in the soil under Nagasaki, descendants of those affected by the atomic bomb dropped there at the end of World War II, could laugh about what their ancestors had gone through. Under a microscope, one could detect a slight quivering that appeared to be laughter when scientists told jokes about the bombing.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, standing before a giant poster of L. Ron Hubbard, and another beside it of James Madison, actor Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 race. Cruise said that he had been thinking about it for some time, but that seeing Mitt Romney and Barack Obama as the two top contenders made him think he could achieve a victory.

"I realize there is always a question in peoples' minds about the Church of Scientology," he said before a large crowd of reporters evenly balanced between those who cover the entertainment field and those who cover politics. "But Romney was a Mormon, and the President was accused of being a Muslim, and many people actually believed he was. Scientology may be weird to some, but believe me, it can't be any weirder than those two. We simply are not that different."

Asked if he had a campaign slogan yet, Cruise responded instantly, "How about 'An e-meter in every garage?'"

Quickly turning serious, he said that campaigns should be shortened, and that he didn't look forward to long days on the road, but that it was important to push the envelope on what Americans can and should tolerate. He declined to name the party whose nomination he would seek.