Tennessee Legislature Set to Ban Hugging in Public--At Least By Heterosexuals

The state legislature in Tennessee, which has been struggling with a host of cutting-edge issues lately, such as whether wine can be sold in supermarkets, and whether gay students can speak with guidance counselors at school, has boldly moved into a new area, seemingly out of nowhere.

A new bill to be voted on shortly would ban heterosexuals from hugging in public. While the bill applies to all individuals, married couples would be able to apply to a newly-created state board for an exemption that would allow them to hug in public during daylight hours on weekdays--but no more then once a month.

Andrey Harwell, the legislature's spokesperson, said at a hastily convened press conference in Nashville that the purpose of the bill was to "gain back control of morality in this state, in the most practical way."

"For years, we got sidetracked into this gay business," he said. 'We now realize that that's a loser. The gays operate behind the scene, and they started working to expose legislators' sons and daughters, to out them. Once they do that, the legislator has to come around their way on legislation. With straight folks, we don't have to worry about that. We're no longer dealing with an organized, well-funded minority group. This just makes more practical sense.

"People accept it better when you make everybody stop doing something, even if it is something they like to do. Misery loves company; they don't care much if the other guy can't do it, either."

One of the reporters at the conference, John Seigenthaler 4.7, asked if the bill would allow only members of the opposite sex to hug each other. "Could a straight man, for instance, hug a gay man in public?"

The question seemed to befuddle Harwell for a moment, but he quickly recovered and said, "That's for our Tennessee lawyers to work out. They need the work, too. Their work has been down during the recession, like everybody else's, and they need the billable hours. This will help them, at least to a certain extent.

Saudi Arabia to Allow Gay Marriages

Saudi Arabia plans to allow gay marriages for members of both sexes by the beginning of the year 2050, it announced Monday.

A brief statement issued by the Interior Ministry's Division of Sexual Mores said that the changes would be phased in over the next few decades. First, all laws banning consensual sexual activity among consenting adults of the same sex would be gradually abandoned (Sexual acts between members of the opposite sex would still be carefully regulated, however.). Then, after a decade or so, gay marriages between males would be allowed. By January 1, 2050, marriages between females will be allowed.

"We have to allow for gradual change," the statement said. "We have to condition the people for this over a period of time."

The statement noted that gay sexual activity was flourishing in Saudi Arabia, and had been for some time. "When you tightly restrict heterosexual sex, outlets develop, and certain lesser important types of activities increase. We recognize that. Our primary concern is to limit sex between members of the opposite sex; the rest is icing on the cake, so to speak, and not worth fooling with."

The statement went on to predict that, after an initial period of mild resistance and debate, the provisions would be accepted by the public.

"We have always been the leader of such things in this part of the world. This is evidence of that. Besides, it will get the gay lobby off our backs. We didn't quite realize the persistence of some of those folks."

Former Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards Paints Himself in Candy-Striped Colors, Announces Candidacy for Governor in 2015, Marries 14-Year-Old Girlfriend

Former Louisiana Governor Edwin Washington Edwards, perhaps the most colorful politician in a two-century line of colorful politicians in the Bayou State, added to his legacy with a triple performance that left even veteran reporters and politicos shaking their heads in admiration.

First, Edwards appeared at a widely anticipated press conference wearing only briefs, and painted from hair to toe in bright red, green, blue, yellow, and white stripes, ready to answer questions from the assembled group.

"People here like their politicians colorful," he said. "In that past, that has meant figuratively. But that won't cut it anymore. Nowadays they want a man to get the paint cans out; they have to see it in front of them....Maybe it is just the television and computer age."

Edwards announced he was running for a fifth term as governor in the 2015 election, at which time he will be close to ninety years of age. "I was the most investigated governor in history as early as the 1970s. When I ran in 1991 against David Duke, I naively claimed in our television debate that I was older and wiser. Most people thought I meant that I knew better than to steal, but what I really meant was that I was too smart to get caught.

"Obviously, I was wrong about that. But now I am even older and wiser, and I think I have learned my lesson; I believe I know how to avoid getting caught the next time. The Feds haven't seen anything yet. What I learned in the Big House should get me through the next two terms, no sweat."

Edwards also announced that he was marrying his 14-year-old girlfriend of two weeks, Belladonna Prejean from Cameron. "I was fine with my current girlfriend, but she is 26, and the polls we have taken indicate that the voters thought she was showing some mileage. So I traded her in on a newer model....Voters were hung up on my age, too--they wanted me to prove my spark plugs haven't all fizzled out."

At the end of the conference, Edwards had a mechanical device lift his now bulky frame onto a table, where he shouted, "24 cheers for the coonasses!" The phrase, he explained to younger reporters, had a double meaning. Not only did it recall his cheer after his election in the runoff in 1971 in his original successful race for governor, but the number represented the total years in six terms, which he will have served after he served out his next two terms.

New York Times Assigns "Army" of Reporters to Investigate Purpose of Iran's Nuclear Program, Ahead of War by U.S.

The premier old-style newspaper in the U.S., The New York Times, has decided to tackle the issue of potential warfare between the United States and Iran in a novel way; it is going to investigate, in a big way, the cause of the future war to determine if the cause itself is credible.

Arthur Ochs "Judy" Sulzberger, Jr., Publisher of the newspaper, and son of the former publisher, Arthur Ochs "Punch" Sulzberger, Sr., announced the program at a news conference.

"In the past," Sulzberger said, "media corporations in the United States have tended to operate hand-in-glove with the Federal government when it comes to warfare. We have accepted the surface explanation for going to war without asking too many questions.

"There is a business reason for that model. We could cover the buildup to the war, demonizing whatever nation we were at odds with, and our readers eagerly followed along. Then  we could cover the beginning of the war itself, embedding ourselves with troops, and giving all kinds of funny, ironic, and sad stories; our readers couldn't get enough of those for a while. Later, when we have stayed too long at the fair, or the war, perhaps, we could cover the long buildup of opposition, including anti-war rallies, violent protests, and so forth.

"Look at CNN, who has used the model very successfully for television, breaking new ground even. The Gulf War in 1991 brought CNN millions of first-time viewers, many of whom never even had cable TV before then. Later, in 2003, the fine-tuned it with Sanjay Gupta and his roving "Devil Docs"....Caught us with our pants down, I can tell you.

"This time, we are going to do our homework ahead of time. We are not going to rest until we at the paper, independently, have verified either that Iran's nuclear program is aimed at producing nuclear weapons, or that it is 100 per cent for peaceful purposes. In that way, we will avoid the messy WMD issue, or even the issues that arose, years earlier, with the sinking of the Maine, the incident in the Gulf of Tonkin, even the bombing of Pearl Harbor....There is no need for Americans, or even foreign citizens, for that matter, to die in massive numbers for a false purpose on our end."

Journalists in the room generally appeared skeptical; several wondered if the Times wasn't taking a considerable risk. "Hasn't the old model worked pretty well?" asked Don Lemon of CNN.

"This is the new journalism, " Sulzberger reassured the crowd. "We think it will help build circulation, at least for a while."

Jill Abramson, the paper's executive editor, who sat in a chair next to Sulzberger, didn't seem quite as enthusiastic about the idea.

"Personally," she said quietly, "I'd rather just run another couple of articles about Clarence Thomas's Playboy collection."