Tennessee Legislature Set to Ban Hugging in Public--At Least By Heterosexuals

The state legislature in Tennessee, which has been struggling with a host of cutting-edge issues lately, such as whether wine can be sold in supermarkets, and whether gay students can speak with guidance counselors at school, has boldly moved into a new area, seemingly out of nowhere.

A new bill to be voted on shortly would ban heterosexuals from hugging in public. While the bill applies to all individuals, married couples would be able to apply to a newly-created state board for an exemption that would allow them to hug in public during daylight hours on weekdays--but no more then once a month.

Andrey Harwell, the legislature's spokesperson, said at a hastily convened press conference in Nashville that the purpose of the bill was to "gain back control of morality in this state, in the most practical way."

"For years, we got sidetracked into this gay business," he said. 'We now realize that that's a loser. The gays operate behind the scene, and they started working to expose legislators' sons and daughters, to out them. Once they do that, the legislator has to come around their way on legislation. With straight folks, we don't have to worry about that. We're no longer dealing with an organized, well-funded minority group. This just makes more practical sense.

"People accept it better when you make everybody stop doing something, even if it is something they like to do. Misery loves company; they don't care much if the other guy can't do it, either."

One of the reporters at the conference, John Seigenthaler 4.7, asked if the bill would allow only members of the opposite sex to hug each other. "Could a straight man, for instance, hug a gay man in public?"

The question seemed to befuddle Harwell for a moment, but he quickly recovered and said, "That's for our Tennessee lawyers to work out. They need the work, too. Their work has been down during the recession, like everybody else's, and they need the billable hours. This will help them, at least to a certain extent.

Saudi Arabia to Allow Gay Marriages

Saudi Arabia plans to allow gay marriages for members of both sexes by the beginning of the year 2050, it announced Monday.

A brief statement issued by the Interior Ministry's Division of Sexual Mores said that the changes would be phased in over the next few decades. First, all laws banning consensual sexual activity among consenting adults of the same sex would be gradually abandoned (Sexual acts between members of the opposite sex would still be carefully regulated, however.). Then, after a decade or so, gay marriages between males would be allowed. By January 1, 2050, marriages between females will be allowed.

"We have to allow for gradual change," the statement said. "We have to condition the people for this over a period of time."

The statement noted that gay sexual activity was flourishing in Saudi Arabia, and had been for some time. "When you tightly restrict heterosexual sex, outlets develop, and certain lesser important types of activities increase. We recognize that. Our primary concern is to limit sex between members of the opposite sex; the rest is icing on the cake, so to speak, and not worth fooling with."

The statement went on to predict that, after an initial period of mild resistance and debate, the provisions would be accepted by the public.

"We have always been the leader of such things in this part of the world. This is evidence of that. Besides, it will get the gay lobby off our backs. We didn't quite realize the persistence of some of those folks."