Satan Holds Rare Press Conference, Attacks Sexual Promiscuity, Experimentation

Satan hasn't held a press conference in quite a while. But yesterday, he appeared at the gates of Hell to denounce what he said was a vicious rumor: that he had sought to undermine society through the use of sexual liberation among the people.

"I've always been conservative in that regard," he said, after commenting ruefully about how the gates needed painting ("It's the heat"). "I wish my religious brethren were more conservative there also...They seem to not take it very seriously. But me...I've always been quite an Old Fogey with regard to sex. It should only be practiced within marriage.

"And I have never used it to undermine anyone. Those who know me know my methods. Gossip is my favorite one...I sometimes wonder why  even dust off any other tools, because that one works so well, and it will forever and ever...But I use substances--drugs and alcohol--and theft, tones of voice, passive aggressiveness. I fear that some items in my closet would be offended if I just left them there to gather dirt."

Asked why he was so conservative with regard to sexual matters, Satan paused and reflected. "I've never been asked that before...I guess it goes back to things my parents taught me...and I was always rather shy with girls...I didn't like seeing other guys mopping up...jealousy--another one of my tools."

He chuckled to himself as if he was dreaming for a moment, then came back to what seemed like reality. "And, too, we just never have gone in for sex down here. It never caught hold. You know, it's pretty damn hot down here."