U.S. State Department To Re-write Old, New Testaments, Koran, Placing Events In West Texas

The United States Department of State today announced an ambitious project to re-write the sacred texts handed down many centuries ago by Middle Eastern religions to reflect that all of the events happened in West Texas in the United States, not in the Middle East. The project apparently grew out of a growing desire on the part of U.S. voters to avoid military conflict, future religious divisions, and international turmoil.

"We see an unending military presence in the Middle East unless we do this, and very quickly," Thomas Murtani, a State Department spokesperson said. "Time really is of the essence. By shifting the location of the events to where they all happened within one country, our country, it takes the biggest military player out of the Middle East.

"It basically secularizes and de-internationalizes the whole thing. With this move, we have the opportunity to, as it were, re-write history and bring about lasting peace. We re-build any religious shrine, and its surrounding atmosphere, that any of the related religions request. The motion picture industry is on board with us, and together we feel we can re-create the Middle East in the fields of West Texas with stunning authenticity. The technicians in Hollywood can do literally anything in that regard, from projecting a realistic image onto a mountain to building a fantastic set."

Asked about the need for oil, Murtani said, "Oil was never the real issue we were in the Middle East, and even if it had been, all that has shifted now with new technological breakthroughs in that area, and with with large new discoveries of petroleum reserves around the world."

Murtani estimated the project would take at least ten years, what with the writing itself, and with the "cultural reconditioning" the U.S. would need to do. "But we can do it. Hollywood can play a part there as well. They did it magnificently in World War II, and they can do it again."

Murtani said that the small town of Marfa, Texas "would be a wonderful location to center everything. Remember, they made the movie Giant, with Rock Hudson, here in the mid-50s. Rock Hudson is no longer with us, God rest his soul, but Denzel Washington can play anybody, from Moses to Paul, or dare I even say it? Mohammed."